Monday, 24 September 2012

Words from the heart

As I lay in bed the whole day today - falling asleep and suddenly waking up in sweat due to high fever. My illness gave me an opportunity to ponder over a lot of issues. How so many fears have settled deep inside me - the fear of loneliness, the fear of being abandoned by loved ones, the fear of hearing lies and dishonesty, and the fear of losing my parents.

And the realization - dude you can't really help it. Things happen at their own pace, life moves on, people come and go, you have good experiences and bad ones and the good thing you learn to survive all of it - btw by you here I mean all of us. :-) I dislike it when people are dishonest either to me or in general. Yes, indeed I dislike it very much but can I help it? Can I change people and am I actually responsible for others?

No, I’m not responsible for anyone, how people treat me or treat others, what people do and what they should and shouldn't do is not really my business. We are all responsible people, responsible for our own actions and responsible to our own self. What I really have in my own hands is to sort my own life. To be a better, patient, wise and happy person each day. 

I'm a bookworm, I stop hearing noises when I'm reading(well at least most of the times unless I'm too distracted) and for months I was not accepting the fact that I'm losing my concentration. I haven't finished reading a complete book since months. I read a few pages, forget what I read, re read and after a few days or couple of weeks I pick up a new book and just give up on the one I was trying to read earlier. The part I wish to share is that I was completely ignoring the problem. Not acknowledging it and today when I faced it now I'm taking it as a challenge and have started working on it. I'm reading Lance Armstrong's - "It's not about the Bike, my journey back to Life" and I will try my best to finish this book. It may take long and very long. I have usually finished 200-300+ pages books in 1 day but I'm ready to give this one a month, 2 months, 3 months, 6 months or whatever it takes but will not give up. :-) Pray for me readers. 

A very dear friend of mine has OCD and in the last few days a lot of issues and anxieties were cropping in my mind. Some anxieties related to my friend and some others related to my job and pressure from parents to settle down. I wanted to sort and organize everything ASAP. That's just the way I am, I'm always planning and rehearsing things in mind. Often this habit is helpful, it makes me a good planner in social life as well as work life but I need to learn you can't prepare for everything in life. You just can't compartmentalize and organize everything. Life is uncertain and even uncertain in a beautiful way. It brings us pleasant surprises, smiles and giggles and even frustration and tears. :-) I feel much calmer after writing all this down. 

So I will enjoy the uncertainties. Not worry when I don't hear calls and messages from people because it is not just that they have forgotten me but instead learn to appreciate that they are giving me my space. No one operates according to us as we don't operate according to others. We can't possess loved ones, they are with us, around us and the day they are supposed to leave (or die) they will. I always hug people a lot, tell them I love them, and appreciate their presence in my life because I don't know their tenure in my life. Just a couple of day’s back I was taking to a friend of mine on gtalk and I said Life is to be enjoyed and lived. Don't know how many more moments do we have :) and he joked back saying kya tumhe bhi cancer hai (I was reading Lance Armstrong - remember) :-) Well, I will not wait for cancer or any other deadly disease to wake and shake me up. I will enjoy life and dream. (I maybe a dreamer but I'm not the only one) 

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